‘Fear Factor’ tests my faith in humanity

“Fear Factor” is back with host Joe Rogan, and small groups of contestants facing down America’s worst fears, including underwater mortgages, a Palin-Bachmann ticket, jobless recoveries, Christmas sweaters, The Federal Reserve, gays in the military, unregiftable fruitcake and ... Newt Gingrich!

Eeee!!!!!

No, the fears faced down in the revitalized series are much less abstract than oh my God, Congress DID SOMETHING!!! Rather it’s the usual mess of bees, heights, scorpions and bobbing for cow hearts. So to start off with, all sorts of animals were harmed in this production, including the contestants and, on some spiritual level, most of the viewing audience.

The show, a hit from 2001 (”the dawn of reality television”) to 2006, returned this week – perhaps as punishment. Punishment that we as a viewing public are so addicted to mindless sensation we only tune in anymore to watch, say, the Kardashians in a death match with the “Jersey Shore” people.

And to be fair, I would totally watch that. Although my suspicion is that it would just be an overblown publicity stunt promoting a new casino in Las Vegas or something and the only death involved would be to my dignity and my residual faith in humanity.

I heard the suggestion NBC was desperate for a hit. Possibly Rogan was as well. Most of his IMDb credits in some way involve ultimate fighting. Johnny Knoxville of MTV’s “Jackass” might not have been available for the series reboot, but Rogan looks good, he looks rested, and he looks employed, which is potentially a nice change for him.

And be fair, he’s good at this. He gets the contestants trash-talking each other while seeming to defend them against each other, and he looks encouraging while subtly highlighting the dangers the contestants are facing.

And the dangers are significant. The first challenge pitted four teams of family members -- brother and sister, two sisters, mother and son and father and son -- against each other and their own fears.

They were lifted into the air by helicopter -- and that pilot had some serious skills, hovering exactly among them the whole time while they were strapped into harnesses. They were dropped into a staging area where they had to pry open a box and throw a lever inside that released the brakes on a truck which they had to run to, climb up on, and open barrels to get at the flags inside ... all while the truck is rolling to a live ammo dump.

The truck smashed through a few barriers as the danger drew nearer so the contestants had a sense of imminent disaster as they’re still desperately trying to open barrels and get the flags. The contestants were then yanked clear of the explosion by their harnesses, and they were suspended above the fireball forming in their wake.

Fighting fear

That was an eye-catching opening challenge featuring a giant truck lighting off four massive explosions. There was a lot of hooting and cheering and self-congratulations but in the context of this show you almost forget that these are just relatively ordinary people -- people in better than average condition, perhaps, but none of them do this sort of thing for a living or anything. It’s not a video game, although you could wish it were when they came to the next challenge:

Eating. Live. Scorpions.

Yup, you read that right. No barbecue sauce or anything, just a live, squirming, pinching, stinging -- and I’m certain TASTY -- scorpion in their mouths, still crawling around in there. Yum.

And they had to do it because it was the game. They had to do it faster than their fellow competitors in order to win. They had to glorp around in a great vat of black sludge -- chemical compound undisclosed -- until they found a container with the scorpions in it, then -- knowing that there are 10 giant scorpions inside – they had to unscrew the bottom from the container. Then they had to dump out the scorpions into a tray and then ... each contestant had to eat five of them.

Welcome to “Fear Factor”!

Anyone want to be the production assistant who had to put 30 live giant scorpions into screwy little cylinders in the first place? Never mind them ... anyone want to be the scorpions?

The final challenge involved the contestants being strapped to the front of a truck and grab “Fear Factor” flags while smashing through obstacles. This challenge managed to draw actual blood by the end, which I have to admit I never saw on “The Price is Right.” One of the contestants got hit as the truck smashed through an obstacle and got hurt -- and for all her trouble, her team didn’t win.

Of course, a show like this, even if you do walk away with the $50,000 and a bellyful of scorpion ...

... can you be said to have won?

“Fear Factor” airs new episodes Mondays at 9/8c on NBC.